This doesn't have to be harder than it already is

I kissed Bianca's head. "I know.." I loved her even more for it. She had no idea. The service felt like it was going on forever. All I wanted to do was leave.. that's it. I didn't even want to stay, but, I did. I listened to everything the priest had to say, I did the blessings he did, and managed not to sob like a baby... the priest asked if I wanted to say something and I said no. He asked anyone if they'd like to say anything and Abby said she had prepared a song and walked off toward the front. I took a deep breath, looking over at Danica. I felt bad for her.. she looked so alone.. but I guess when your a bitch to everyone in your life that happens.

"Thank you, Jeff." I told him, smiling. "But I promise I'm okay." I gave him a hug and watched the service. The priest spoke for a while before asking us if we'd like to speak. Before he could go over to Danica I said "I'd like to sing a song I prepared.." I stood, giving Bianca's hand a squeeze. I walked up to the front. "I was looking for a song that reminded me of life and death. And how both can be unfair.. but then I remembered that life can be just as fair. It can give you people you love.." I looked directly at Jackson. "And people who love you." I looked at Dante and Bianca. "And family you never dreamed of. Life is a gift and when things are taken, like a life you cared so deeply for you gotta remember the good and bad. And I hope anyone who knew Kylie remembers the good, even though her life was cut short too soon. Dante, I don't say it enough, but I do love you and I'm sorry for your loss. Miss. Forbes," I said looking at Kylie's mom. I had to assume she was since she said her daughter. "I'm sorry for your loss too. And I hope you can find peace in knowing your daughter and her unborn son are in heaven.." I had the priest start the tape and started singing.

The Song Abby's Singing

I watched Abigail, breathing deeply. I wanted her in my arms all the time. But I had to give her the space she wanted, even if I told her I wasn't going to give up on her. I loved her more than my life and there wasn't anything I'd do for her. I was never going to give up on her, no matter what.

I knew there wasn't a person in this world who sang as angelically as my Caramella did. She had the most beautiful voice and I'd never get tired of it. I'd never lost anyone in my life, and I knew I never wanted to have to go through that, but everyone has to sooner or later. I knew if Abigail ever went through anything like this, like she lost anyone in her family, I would be there for her. I would always be because I loved her.

I laid my head on Dante's shoulder, holding his hand up against my breast while A sang to us. She always knew the right things to say. She always knew what song would make anyone feel better. I just hoped that it would touch Dante. I hope her words touched him, let him know that she cares. I always knew that she did, but I knew they had their differences. She was right though. We were family. And we would always be. There wasn't a moment more than right now that I wanted her and Jackson to work things out than I did right now... Even if that did leave Freddie out... Maybe someday Belle would come back to him. I knew she loved him, I could see it. And I'm sure Freddie loved her. We could all be happy with the people we were meant to be with. It could happen. They just had to let it happen. Like Dante had. He let me back into his life because he loved me more than everything that we'd been through. A and Jackson could make things work. I knew they could. And if Belle came back, she and Freddie could be happy. I knew it. I knew it because Dante made me believe it. He was my rock. He was my truth. And that's only one of the many things I love about him.

I felt tears prick my eyes, a small smile crossing my lips. There were days I hated Abigail. Okay, hate was strong, but I did. Or maybe it wasn't exactly hate. Maybe it was how a brother felt about his annoying sister. That's exactly what it was. I didn't hate her but she sure did drive me crazy. But right now I felt something for her I never did before. Pure love. Like you do for someone you love. I stood up when she finished, giving her a big hug, pulling back. "Thank you." I told her, giving her a kiss on the cheek and letting her walk back to her seat. I walked back over and sat down as the priest walked over to Danica. I had to assume if she had anything to say. I took Bianca's hand, holding it against my chest, kissing the side of her head. "I love you." I looked over at Jackson. "I love you too, brother." I said, patting his shoulder. I know he was still hurting over losing his wife and I was just happy he was here for me when he didn't have to be.

I finished the song, wiping a few tears that had managed to fall down my cheeks and went over to pay a quick goodbye respect to my nephew and Kylie. I turned to Dante, hugging him back. "You're welcome." I said, smiling. I felt like part of our relationship had changed. Like we wee no longer enemies. I wouldn't say best friends but we no longer stood on different turfs. We stood on the same. I walked down, giving Jackson a smile before sitting back next to Jeff and digging a tissue out of my purse. I wiped my face and let go of a heavy breath. "Good song?" I asked Jeff in a whisper.

If I didn't want to be here for my brother, I would have gotten up to leave. This with Abigail was just too hard on me. I didn't know how much longer I could watch her give everything to the Goomba when she should be giving it to me. I did my best to smile for her, but my heart was breaking in my chest. I almost mist Dante telling me he loved me. I would have, had he not placed his hand on my shoulder, pulling me from my wallowing, self-pity thoughts. I smiled for him, nodding my head. "I love you to, bro." My voice broke and I turned my head back straight. I couldn't look in Abigail's direction any longer. It hurt me too much.

I wrapped my arm around her and kissed the side of her head. "It was a perfect song, Caramella." I pulled her slightly closer to me as I hugged her. Pops reached across Tamara and me and gave Abigail's arm a soft squeeze. "It was a beautiful song, baby girl." I smiled over at Pops and Tamara and Chelle before looking back to Abigail. "It was very beautiful."

I looked up at the priest as he walked over to me and asking me specifically if I wanted to say something. I looked over at Dante and his posse and decided to stand up. Walking up in front of everyone, I smiled out over them. "My daughter's life was cut short. Too short. There will not be a day when those who," I looked down at Dante and his whore, "TRULY loved her won't miss her. She was a good person who had a big heart. I remember when she was younger and the two of us used to pick flowers out of the garden together and bring them back into the house. We had flowers all over the place. And they weren't the type of flowers that I sold in my shop, they were special because it was something my daughter and I did together. But my daughter won't be able to do that now. She's now in a place where people can't hurt her. She can stroll through the flowers. She can pick all of them that she wants. She may not have been able to carry that perfect bouquet down the isle, but at least she's in a place where no one can hurt her any longer." I didn't want to say anymore. I should have some sort of decorum in a church, even if I didn't have any of the beliefs of the people here. I walked over to my daughter and leaned in, kissing her forehead. A tear trickled down from my eye and onto her cheek. "Oh!" I softly sobbed, wiping off her cheek. "I love you, precious!" I sucked up my sobs and went back to sit down.

When Dante and A hugged, I was sure my heart stopped in my chest. I'd never seen anything so amazing in my life. After everything that we've all been through, and now they were hugging. I whispered a soft thank you to A and smiled softly at Dante as he told me he loved me. "I love you," I softly whispered back and looked up at Danica as she began to speak. I know she didn't say our names directly, but her words were like fire and brimstone at us. It was like she was a mama dragon spitting out fire at us for killing her baby girl. I know I didn't push Kylie off the curb, but that didn't mean I didn't feel guilty. I turned my head into Dante's shoulder, wanting to hide from her gaze. I always wanted to be strong, but the only strength I was finding right now was Dante's strength, and I needed him as much as he needed me.

I felt terrible.. like that pit of the stomach, you might get sick all of your shoes terrible. Yes, Danica was a terrible woman, awful to say the least, and she tore into me like a maniac wanting to strike me dead.. but I felt bad. This poor woman had lost her child, just like I had lost mine. The only difference was she had her for much longer than I had Jacob. She got to know her, love her, befriend her, raise her. She had all that under her belt and wouldn't be able to see her grow completely. To get married, to have children of her own. No parent should ever outlive their child and she did.. and I had forgot that in my anger at outrage, and her hate. "Here," I turned to Jackson.

"Hold her for me." I said, scooting Bianca over when I stood so Jackson could hold Bianca. She needed arms even if they weren't the best of friends. If Abigail and I could be friends, they could try, for Jacob. I walked over, sitting down next to Danica, taking her hand. "Don't fight me. I'm offering you comfort because you're alone. Even if you hate me everyone needs a hand to hold when they lose their child. Even you. So just hold my hand and cry till the end of the ceremony." I said, turning my eyes back to the priest who was saying his ending words.

I smiled at Pops and Jeff. "Thank you. Both of you." I turned my eyes back to the priest, but stopped when I seen Dante get up. He stood up and walked over to Miss. Forbes. "Wow," I said under my breath, watching him take her hand. I could see why Bianca loved him.. after what she had said up there.. after all that he was over there trying to comfort her even in his own pain. I looked over at Jackson and B, taking in a deep breath. God if I didn't still love the other Frost brother more than anything. I turned my eyes back to the priest trying to focus on NOT crying. And even though Kylie and Jake's death was sad that wasn't the reason for my tears.

To say I tensed up when Dante slid Bianca over into my arms would be an understatement. It wasn't as though I didn't like her. She was my sister-in-law. She was family. But we'd never gotten along. I guess though, I could learn from Abigail and Dante's example to at least open up a little more to her. I held her tightly against me, looking over at Abigail and swallowing hard. I wanted her in my arms. But maybe, just maybe, she could see this act of kindness I was doing for her sister and MAYBE she'll give me another chance. If that didn't do it, maybe just thinking that life is too short would be enough. I could only hope.

Abigail's exclamation of astonishment made me turn in the direction she was looking. Dante had left Bianca with Jackson and walked over to sit beside Kylie's mother. I was shocked myself. With all the animosity that was in the room earlier, I was surprised that he was the one extending the olive branch. Looking back over at Abigail, I smiled down at her. "Dante is a very good man." I sighed slightly, not wanting to say this next part out loud, but knowing I had to. "So is Jackson, Caramella." I wondered if she knew that was my way of saying I let her go. I wasn't going to pursue her any longer. I knew when to bow out. Now was the time.

Dante sat down beside me and I gave him the most bizarre look I'd probably given anyone. "What in the--" He took my hand and told me not to fight him. He was here for me, something I wasn't used to having. Prior to Kylie getting pregnant, she was all I had, and now, the man who took her away from me, in more ways than one was being the better man and comforting me. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I started sobbing. Right there on his suit. I'm sure it cost more money than anything I'd ever owned. But it didn't matter. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to.

I felt Jackson tense up beside me as Dante told him to hold me, but he held me none the less. I'd never really been that close to Jackson, but we were all family here. Even Danica was a part of our family now. She was the mother of Dante's son, and he was making an example of that by comforting her. I laid my head against Jackson's chest and smiled softly at Dante as a few tears trickled down my cheeks. He was the most amazing man I knew, and this was only one of the reasons why. The priest said there will be a procession following the hearses to the cemetery and that everyone was to follow with their lights on. Dante and Danica and I, maybe A and Jackson would be in the limo following the hearses and then everyone else was to follow after us. I stood, letting Jackson walk over to A and I stood to walk over to Dante and Danica. "Did you want A and Jackson to come with us in the limo, or just the three of us." I took a deep breath. "Or would you just prefer the two of you." If they wanted to be alone, so they could discuss things, I would give them that.

I hugged Danica close to me, rubbing her back as she cried. The ceremony ended and the priest told us he'd meet us at the graveyard and left. I turned to Danica. "Do you need some water?" I asked, stopping when Bianca came up. "We can all go together. Jeff, Jackson, Abigail, you, me and Danica." I said softly, still holding Danica as I rubbed her back. "We ride together as a family. Because that is what we are. Kylie's family." Even if it was the most fucked up family I had ever known.

"What?" I said to Jeff, narrowing my eyes in on him. He hadn't talked up Jackson since we were together. And yet here he was.. doing just that. I turned my eyes back to the priest and listened as he spoke. When he ended and we were told we could leave I looked back at Jeff. "What's that suppose to mean?" I asked Jeff as Jackson walked up. "I don't care if Jackson's standing right there. Answer what that was about.. because it just sounded like you tried to toss Jackson on me.. like my mother would.. or my father. Not like my friend would who knows how much he hurt me, because he was there holding me when I fell apart. Explain what you meant by that, Jeff? I'm dying to know." And I wasn't moving an inch till he answered.

I looked over at the goomba as he looked up at me and then back at Abigail. I slid my hands in my pockets around the sides of my unbuttoned jacket, lifting my eyebrows in intent interest. "Yeah, please enlighten us, Goffredo." It was probably one of the few times I'd ever addressed him directly, and being in front of Abigail, I wasn't about to say my usual ways of referring to him.

I looked up at Jackson, taking a deep breath and looking down at Abigail again. Shaking my head, I pulled my arm back from where it rested around her shoulders. "I came into your marriage at two different times, and at each of those times, you were both in very dark places. I should have known better than to make advances on you Abigail when I know how much love you have for Jackson. I am not saying I do not love you nor that you do not love me, but what you two have," I pulled my eyes away from hers, shaking my head a gain, "I am sorry I did anything to deter that or anything by those means. I only hope the two of you can find a way around everything and find the happiness that you have not lost. It is only in reserve right now. You will get it again." I stood, nodding to Jackson and looking back to Abigail. "Excuse me." I left them and walked over to Dante, Bianca and Kylie's mother. "Unless you would really appreciate my presence at the grave site, I believe I am going to go home. I will go if you would like me to though." I looked back at Abigail and Jackson and back to Dante. "I would prefer not to make matters worse for everyone."

I told him I didn't want a drink when ... Miss Parisi walked up to us, asking who was riding in the limo. Part of me said that none of them deserved to ride in the limo, but I had no strength left in me to fight them. And when Dante said that we'd be riding together as a family, I bit my tongue even more. "Family," I quietly repeated after him, taking a shaky breath. For so long it had just been Kylie and me, and now my precious girl was gone. I had nothing left... And I was sure that Dante didn't mean what he was saying past today, but I could accept that just for today and we could mourn my daughter together, and I wouldn't have to feel so alone. But then the guy who I had thought was someone to do with the church. He had sat with the rest of them, so I was sure he wasn't. "How do you know my daughter?" I asked him, my voice still soft from all the energy it had taken from me when I had sobbed against Dante's shoulder. "Oh, she and I weren't well acquainted. I am a family friend of Dante and Bianca." I didn't know what he had meant about making things worse, but I shook my head anyhow. "You do not have to leave. Kylie would want you here."

I wrapped my arms around Freddie as he walked up next to us and hugged him, after Dante had said we were all riding there together. I looked back at A and Jackson as he did and then up at him. Danica asked who he was and told him basically what Dante had just said. But from the looks of things, things weren't good between him and A right now. I would be alright if he left, but I didn't want him to be alone either, and maybe Dante wanted him to be here. So, I let Dante respond. I just gave him a hug. It was all I could do.

I looked up at Jeff. "You can go. I wouldn't ask you to go.. not when it seems you're not in good standing right now.." I said looking at his face. He didn't seem upset, but I think he was. I think anyways. I glanced over at Abby who was clearly upset. "Dante," I heard as mom and Auntie Chelle and Pops approached me. I stood, giving them hugs. "I love you, son." Pops said, after mom and Auntie Chelle had said it. "We'll meet you at the graveyard." Mom said before they all walked off to get to the car. I turned back to Danica and helped her stand, wrapping my arm around her. "Are you going home, Jeff? I don't mind either way. I appreciate you being here for as long as you were." I said, taking Bianca's hand in my free one.

I just sat there, staring forward, my eyes blurring over with tears. I tried to hold it back but all anyone did was hurt me. I know I wasn't innocent, I know that. I know I was selfish for wanting both men to love me.. I knew that. I knew I was selfish for holding onto both when neither deserved me.. and yet.. it didn't hurt any less. And the pain turned to a mixture of anger and pain. I stood up, brushing a tear away. "I guess I should get use to being crapped on. It's become part of my daily routine.." I said, mostly to myself and under my breath.

I turned my eyes to Jackson. "Don't feel sorry for me.. I'll live.." I told him, brushing my face dry. I walked across the church to Jeff. "You know that's a real coward move. To drop something like that on me and run away. But I suspect that's exactly why you did it. Because you couldn't face me. You're a coward and here I thought you were my hero. My savior. The good in the bad.. and I was stupid to believe that. You never loved me.. you loved the idea of me.. and I was an idiot for turning to you when you used me. That's what it was, right? You used me as a bed mate and now you don't need or want me? Great. I don't need or want you either. I can't believe you're really abandoning me to drown all on my own.. sorry Dante.. sorry Bianca.. sorry Miss. Forbes.. I'm sorry to all of you."

I walked off down the aisle, crying as I walked, trying to breathe through the pain in my chest. I walked outside, swallowing roughly when flashes went off and caught me off guard. I covered my face, feeling my legs shake under me. I just wanted to fall apart.. and I was so close to it I could barely stand. I hated when I felt like this.. I hated when I was weak and I was so damn weak right now I just stood there crying, not even bothering to put my jacket on or to walk away from the flashes.. and the people.