You should've been there!

I walked up to Jeff's door, knocking roughly. I could handle that he abandoned me in my time of need. Left me sitting in the church with heartbreak, because in the end it worked for me.. like he had wanted it too. And as much as it hurt I got why he did it. Even though I still felt so angry with him over it... However, I couldn't handle him not supporting our friends. Not when Dante had been nothing but a good friend to him. I pounded harder, glaring at the door, hugging my jacket more to me. He had a right to be yelled at. He should've been there!

I heard the pounding and turned, falling off the couch. Alright, so drinking was not my thing, but I really wasn't sure what was anymore. I let Abigail go. I lost Belle. I was on suspension at work. What really did I have left? My parents had called. Nonna had called. They NEVER called. They wrote. They hadn't heard from me in ages and they were all begging me to come visit them. I was sure Abigail or someone had told them I had been suspended and that I needed someone, but the truth was, I just needed to be left alone. Pushing myself to my feet, I stumbled slightly, falling against the door. Opening it only a crack, I peered out at...

"Abigail? Che cosa state facendo qui? Non dovreste essere qui. Vada a casa."

"Jeff?" I asked, staring at him oddly. I wasn't sure exactly what he said. I only knew a few words here and there. I think part of it had to do with home.. but the rest went right over my head. "Let me in.." I wanted to be angry but his eyes looked so sad... so pitiful. I shouldn't feel sorry for him.. but I did. Whether I should or not... I did. "Open the door.." And if I wasn't mistaken I was pretty sure he was drunk. I bet he didn't even know what day it was. His eyes screamed he hadn't slept.

I could never say no to her. As I stepped back to open the door, I tripped over my shoe. When did I leave that there? I fell on my butt and groaned out loud. "Madre del dio!" Cursing made my head hurt. Nonna always said never curse dio, jesucristo, or la Mary vergine. The pain in my head must've been my punishment.

I pushed the door some and came into his place. "Oh, Jeff.." I kicked his door shut and held my hand out. "Here, let me help you..." I didn't want to feel terrible for him.. but maybe in my happiness at Jackson and I figuring things out with Jeff's help no doubt by tossing me aside... I forgot that he could be hurting. Belle was gone.. he was alone. "Take my hand.."

I shook my head, turning around and crawling over to the bar stool, pulling myself to stand up. "Dovreste andare a casa, Abigail. Non dovreste vederli come questo." I turned to look at her through my blurry haze. I had never been this drunk. Last time I got even close to being drunk Belle and I... I turned toward the kitchen. "Bevanda?" I pulled another bottle of red out of the cupboard and looked over at her. "O... bambino. Acqua?"

"Jeff, I don't know what you're saying. Stop speaking in Italian..." I walked closer to him, taking the bottle. "How much and how long have you been drinking? Because.. no offense but you look terrible."

I hadn't even realized I was speaking in Italian. What could I say? I didn't think before speaking in any language. I didn't have an answer to her question. "I am tired, Abigail. I believe I need a shower too. Let yourself out?"

I felt like he slapped me... I winced, my eyes burning with tears. "Really? That's how our friendship is going to go now? You sleep with me one last time, toss me aside and come here to drink till you kill yourself and tell me to get out? Really? That's how it's going to go?"

"No!" I shook my head, turning it away from her. "But you are supposed to be with Jackson. We both know that. I do not want you seeing me like this, alright? I am a mess and you are perfect, and you should never have to see me sink this low. Please go. For both of us. Please. Just go."

"I'm not perfect, Jeff." I said, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I'm not. I've never been perfect. All of this is my fault... all of it. I even came here to yell at you for missing Dante's hearing instead of coming here to check on my friend! My friend who's clearly hurting! I'm not leaving. Go shower and I'll order dinner and clean up around here.." I brushed my face dry. "Go..." I walked over to dump the red wine out.

I walked over to her, yes, disregarding what she had told me to do, wrapping my arms around her from behind and resting my hands on her stomach and my head in the back of her hair. "Grazie, Abigail. Molto grazie."

I closed my eyes, nodding softly. "You're welcome." I glanced back at him over my shoulder. "Now.. go shower. Okay?" I smiled weakly, wishing there was more I could do for him... I couldn't force myself not to love Jackson for him.. and I couldn't force Belle to come home, or for the station to give him his job back. This was all I could do for him.

I nodded my head and stepped away from her. "When I get back, you are to tell me about the bambina and about Dante," I told her, before walking out of the kitchen, through the living room and toward the bedroom to take a shower.

I smiled, watching as Jeff left. When he was gone, I ordered us some pizza from the place down the street and started cleaning up his place. Tossing out empty bottles of wine and scrubbing things down.

I showered, making sure I was clean, but I opted out of shaving. I didn't want to take too much time if Abigail was here. She was here for a reason, and I was sure she didn't want to wait on me. Getting dressed in slacks and a polo shirt, I pulled on some socks before heading out to the kitchen. "Dante's trial was today? Were you saying something about that?" I walked to the cupboard, pulling out the coffee and walking over to the pot to make myself a brew. I needed it if I was going to sober up for her.

I turned, smiling when I saw he looked much better. Not as sick... he could use a good shave but he was clean and looked more refresh. "Yes it was. He was let go. However, if Bianca is found guilty, he'll be found guilty too and sentenced to years in prison. It's awful. This whole thing is awful." I sighed, leaning my hands against the counter, staring at it. "I was so angry that you weren't there.. but I ran out on my own sister, barely gave her a goodbye. I'm the one I should be mad at.."

I continued to start my coffee, nodding to let her know that I was listening. Turning to her, Turning to her, I took a deep breath. "I am sure B forgives you. And as for me not being there, I am not allowed. It is part of my suspension. I am not even allowed at Bianca's trial. I will only be allowed to show up the day that my testimony as the arresting officer is needed, but I have been informed that depending on what I say, my testimony may be dismissed anyhow, considering my relationship to the defendant... To Bianca." I looked down at the ground, shaking my head. "I am sorry, Abigail. I do appologize. I would have been there if I was allowed." Actually, considering my state, I wasn't sure if I would have been, but I had wanted to be there. That had to account for something.

I smiled at him. "It's not your fault. Stop apologizing. You did more than enough for all of us." I patted his arm and pulled away. "Can you believe I'm upset with Jackson? I know.. I know.. I sound selfish as hell.. but I actually thought he'd be there for me. He knows how much I love my sister... yet... he wanted to go straight to Dante's side. Not mine.. and I didn't want to sound selfish so I told him too. Actually I'm glad he did go.. but at the same time I'm hurt he didn't come home with me. That he didn't comfort me. He comforted his brother instead.. I always feel like I'm in a battle with Dante for Jackson's affection.. and most days I feel like I'm losing. I feel like he's always choosing him over me.. i know I sound terrible.. I just.." I sighed, rubbing my face. "Forget it. Pizza's on the way. Did you want something to drink? I could walk up to the corner store and get something of the non-alcoholic variety?"

I shook my head. "I have water here, unless you would like something else."

I know I changed the subject, that was my fault, but he couldn't say anything? Not a single thing? I mean honestly? He acted like I said nothing at all. Had things really got that bad between us? "You know what.. forget it. This was a mistake. Coming here... and even discussing my problems. Things have really changed so drastically between us that you ignored me pouring my heart out to you.. I mean I know I changed the subject but... God, I think you'd get how hard... forget it... I need to go. The pizza's on it's way.. enjoy on me.." I sat down a twenty for him and walked out the door, seeing the cab still waiting for me. I slid inside it, ignoring the flashes of the reporters as I drove away. I wasn't sure where I'd go next. But I needed to breathe, think, feel alone, or at least find someone I could talk to openly..

I left the twenty where she left it and headed back to the bedroom. I had no idea when the last time I had slept was. But if Abigail didn't want to stay around, what was the use in sobering up for her. I didn't even care that I'd let the coffee pot on. Let it catch on fire and burn down the apartment. Not like I really cared right now. I gave her up for her own good. I was in love with her, but I knew she would always be in love with Jackson, so I let her go. And the other woman I loved, left me. So I guess I was meant to be alone. I threw myself down on my bed and hoped to fall asleep.